The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine

How we learned of The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine

In 1996, we were in southern Virginia on vacation when we passed by a small house on a backroad that featured, as part of the front lawn, a large contraption which was labeled The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine!

We didn't stop, and didn't think much about it at the time, assuming that ass-kickers are common equipment in those parts, but shortly afterward began wondering. Why would someone build a device for kicking asses? How was it made? Who was the inventor?

Two years almost to the day later, we set out on our quest for answers to these and other questions. Our memory was reasonably good, but time had passed, and we drove around the area for a while, asking locals if they knew the location of "the world's largest ass-kicker." None of the women knew, but eventually we found two guys in a small roadside diner that knew, and sent us a couple of miles up the road to a house owned by this man:

The Inventor of The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine

Robert P. Booth, of Wirtz, Virginia, designed and built the ass-kicker sometime around 1988. He has added several improvements to it over time and continues to maintain it, though apparently some other party lettered the now-weathered sign that faces the road. Bob Booth is a retired building contractor who among other things designed his own house and has restored several antique cars. He does not appear to have any particular attachment to asses, and in every other way appears to be what he is: a friendly, quite ingenious country inventor.

Why The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine Was Invented

As we mentioned, Bob Booth based his improved design on a probably-inferior design he encountered in North Carolina over a decade ago.

The design is simple and rugged. A six-foot waterwheel is cut from thick plywood and equipped with vanes that are driven by a stream of water falling from above. The water is contained in an underground tank and driven by a 110v submersible electric pump up to a water valve and sluice, thus, this is an "overshot wheel" type ass-kicker. The valve controls the water flow, and after driving the wheel, the water drains back into the underground tank. Water level is maintained by rainwater collected from an adjoining gazebo roof.

The actual ass-kicking is done by a seven-foot length of 2"x4" lumber with a hub at the center, driven by a 1" steel driveshaft that is concentric with the drive wheel. At each end of the 2x4, there's a used green suede tennis shoe tacked to a piece of lumber.

Does The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine Really Kick Ass?

We are almost certain it kicks big-time ass. Bob's anecdotal report about being attacked by the ass-kicker when he got too close to it and "it started up by itself," plus the rugged design and Bob's conservative output rating of 100 asses per minute convince us that this device does, indeed, kick ass. The rate of ass-kicking is controlled by the water flow control valve. Because the machine had not been run in a little while, Bob kept its speed down to a leisurely 25 asses/minute during our tour.

Directions To The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine

The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine is located in Wirtz, Virginia, about 25 miles southeast of Roanoke, and about 25 miles south of Bedford. It is just west of Smith Mountain Lake and about 20 miles northwest of Martinsville.

To reach it, take Virginia Route 122 south from Bedford, Virginia, about five miles south of the Booker T. Washington Memorial to the community of Burnt Chimney. There's a Buzz-In convenience store and gas station on the east side of the highway. Turn east on Burnt Chimney Road, go past the Burnt Chimney Elementary School, and Bob Booth's invention will be on your right about 150 yards east of the school. The house, as well as the ass-kicker, is two-tone brown and tan. If you reach a small local gas station and store on your right, you've gone too far.

Again, if Bob is home, be polite and go on up to the house and ask to see the ass-kicker. If Bob isn't home, be sure to be considerate and don't trample the flowers or cause a fuss. Preserve this important historical site for others to enjoy.

Is The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine Some Kind Of Joke?

No.

Building Your Own Ass-Kicking Machine

What About Other Ass-Kickers?

We know of no other ass-kicking machines in existence for public viewing, though Bob's story about the genesis of this device leaves open the possibility that somewhere in North Carolina, another, inferior ass-kicker lives and may still be operational. That ass-kicker, according to Bob, depended totally on a garden hose for its motive force and thus could never be totally operator-independent.

For those of you with other forms of ass-kicking in mind, here are some links to other well-known ass-kickers:

Chuck Norris	Jackie Chan
LAPD	U.S. Army Special Forces

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