PermaLink A Lotusphere Diary, 2012 - Day 301/18/2012 04:36 AM
What are you here for? We're all here to GO!

Today was Tuesday, the peak of the week. You can't possibly go to all the sessions, talk to all the people, go to all the parties, sing all the songs. Well, unless you're me, in which case you also have to deal with the fact that you also can't talk to all your friends as long as you'd like, gasp at all the gorgeous women as long as you'd like, rest as much as you'd like, or shut out some of the blank stupidity as much as you'd like.

I'll leave all the last part of that alone for now.

I'm writing to you from underneath the sink in the outer part of the bathroom in the room I'm sharing with my friend Daniel in Swan. Why, may you ask, am I under a sink? Well, for a room that has a $400+ per night rack rate, there are essential no useful outlets. There are two IN the bathroom, but that tile floor is cold and I'm not laying on it no matter how many hits I get on PlanetLotus. In the anteroom, there are two more outlets, and we unplugged the coffee-maker.

Ofuk. I just heard the unwanted, unread copy of USA Today hit the carpet outside the door. For a hotel that pretends to be "green," the number of British Columbia trees that die every year to have McNews printed on them and thrown en masse outside the doors of people who all have laptops, iPads and Blackberries makes me want to shit green. We walk out the door and have to step over this bullshit every day of every Lotusphere, and it will only stop when someone falls, breaks a hip and sues the living fuck out of Disney, Starwood, and Gannett.

OK. Where were we?

No outlets. Fewer and crappier shampoos than in the old days. Blown bulbs we never used to see in these rooms, left unrepaired for days.

Carp and Chicken, I am disappointed in you.

But no, I have disappointment left over for THE FUCKING SLOBS WHO CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PUT PAPER TOWELS IN THE FUCKING BASKET IN THE MENS ROOM.

You goddamn fuckfaces, put the paper towels in the trash. Everywhere, every time. Why the fuck do I have to even tell you this? I know it seems a small thing, but fuck you, I had to deal with this last night in the men's room outside Shula's in Dolphin last night and TWICE tonight in the men's room outside Kimonos. I am ashamed of you. Brutally, lividly ashamed. As I tweeted earlier, this is my other home for a full week every year since half of you shitheads were in grade school, and you will NOT mess up my second home.

If I see you doing it, I will take appropriate action.

Moving on.

Wednesday will be a good day, for I had a talk with a young but very elegant wabbit on the plaza between Dolphin and Swan. He or she was eating the plantings Disney probably wastes an assload of money on (the money they don't spend on decent bandwidth), and it was quite special just to say hi from five feet away and four in the morning.

Wabbits make every day better.

3792 of you missed something really cool Tuesday night. No, no, no, not the inflatable kangaroo, I'm talking the first public showing of The Fish Film, produced in 1995, much of which was actually shot at Lotusphere 1995. I am fairly sure this included some of the oldest surviving video of any Lotusphere that isn't in IBM hands. And now that it's out on the net, I assume Tom Hagen is shitting his pants because I didn't have all the clearances for every single audio clip and logo shown in this film produced when he was probably still in undergrad. Our little secret: it's actually BEEN on the net for over five years. This is just the first time I've shown it in the place where a lot of it was shot before IBM bought Lotus.

I haven't actually told anyone today to bite my touch-hole.

Well, I still haven't, really.

But you know what I'm thinking.

I need to sleep soon.

So, let me do my usual collection of cryptic references and shout-outs.

Only one FU to the IBM lady in Kimonos who acted like I was coming on to her when I just wanted to try to remember her name. I think the fact she'd been in slingbacks all day and was carrying a half-empty wine bottle imported from Atlantic Dance may have contributed to her boorishness, so, absolved.

Liz, Sarah, Abigail, Wes, both Andrews, Bill, Kim, Kevin, Gregg, Dev, Dec and Terri, Nigel, Roy, Tony, Jack and Sabina, Leda, Loretta, Rudi, Ben and Brian, you have my heart and you are all a big part of the soul of this place. And the place is the people, not the buildings. They may totter; we do not.

Things are better now. We are the ultimate proof of the social.

And I need to sleep, so, good night again, Lotusphere. We'll talk in the morning.


Love,

Turtle

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1. The Turtle01/19/2012 05:03:53 AM


Oh, and Bugs Bunny is not a Disney character, Bugs Bunny is a character and trademark of Warner Bros., now Time-Warner, so bite my touch-hole. And Microshit can lick goat balls. Fuck you and everyone that smells like your gooch.




2. The Turtle01/19/2012 03:50:50 AM


No, I do not wish to sue Disney, I just wish to taunt them, and then they may make a mistake.

Ofukit, BRING UP THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH!!!!




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4. Craig Wiseman01/18/2012 11:21:59 AM
Homepage: http://www.Wiseman.La/cpw


Thanks for the updates!

This looks like the fish video, am I correct?

{ Link }




5. Roy Rumaner01/18/2012 09:24:58 AM


Thank you a great wake up missive today Turtle. I laughed so loud I woke up my wife down the hall.

What is this Fish Film you speak of? I was at LS95, the great old days, and know nothing of it.

Next year may I recommend a power strip. I have learned to pack one for any trip I take these days. Hotels did not think about their guests electronics needs when they built them back in the dark ages when steam engines were in vogue.




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