Look, I used to love HP gear as much as any of us. The HP41C was a masterwork of RPN pocket computing 32 years ago. I spent most of a week at Xerox Corporation trying to figure out how to make the original LaserJet (no suffix -- it didn't need one) work with Xerox's then-current CP/M microcomputers. Your plotters were awe-inspiring, and I still carry an HP TouchPad.
Fuck all dat.
This is now the summer of 2013, and both of you have been dead for well over a decade. The company that now bears your names is a steaming piece of crap, and I spent most of an evening two weeks ago cursing not you, but Carly "Overrated" Fiorina for the cowshit printers that now bear your initials.
Sorry, Bill and David, I shouldn't have to threaten a shitty $130 wireless laser with a "Fargo"-style fate in the wood chipper just because it went to sleep and forgot the fucking wireless configuration... EVEN WHEN ITS SELF-TEST PAGE CLAIMS ITS WIRELESS SETTINGS ARE PERFECT. And so does the web server that answers meekly when I go to its subnet address.
I shouldn't have to cart the laptop across the house and plug in a fucking USB plug to print (yeah, that's what I did tonight), when the aforementioned HP wireless laser claims it's on the wireless network. What the fuck happens when I'm in South Carolina? What the fuck happens when I'm in San Francisco or ON THE FUCKING MOOOOOOOOOON?
And oh yeah, I shouldn't have to spend $60 for toner cartridges for a $130 printer. Dave, when you were a kid at Stanford in 1931, would it have made sense for you to pay $300 for a tank of gas for a $500 Ford Model A coupe? Even worse, suppose that brand-new Model A required that you spend all week downloading a new carburetor every time the factory decided to dick with it, when your old one ran just fine? You'd have cut their balls off with a pair of tin-snips, and you know it. Well, that's how pretty goddamn near how every single customer of your current print devices feels, every fucking week. You would be ashamed.
I know I am, and I am ashamed on your behalf, because of the amazing stuff HP built in all those years prior. But then ain't now. Me, I live in now.
I printed what I needed on another wireless printer, an Epson inkjet all-in-one. It was like the junkyard dog that steps up and licks your hand when your pedigreed greyhound shits on your wife's quilt. I can't feel ill will toward that Epson, because it may not be purebred, but the son of a bitch does what it's told, when it's told. That counts for something.
Dave, Bill... no disrespect to you, but there's no fucking way I'm buying any more shit with your names or initials on it.
I am sad, and sorry. I wish it hadn't come to this.
1. Darren Duke07/23/2013 07:34:31 AM
You're going to the moon? Nice!
2. Nick Wall07/23/2013 06:03:13 AM
Your steaming mad, but what a great read...your posts always make laugh. Some awesome quotes I am noting for future use!
3. JG07/23/2013 02:37:30 AM
HP = Heaps of Problems
HP = High Pricing